missing him this week

There are really good days when I don't think about the fact that he is gone. And then there are days when I drive home from work and talk to him. I ask him if he can make it any easier on me here to get re-appointed to my job. I think these past years of not being able to have him talk back to me on the phone actually prepaired me for this. I just talk, telling him what I am feeling, thinking, and going through. He doesn't say anything back to me, but I know he is listening, maybe even crossing his leg and hoding his knee with locked hands. Sometimes I think he is rubbing his stubble with his thumb, thinking about how proud he is of me, wondering if there really is any advice he has to give me that I don't already know.

I had this idea last week to get an answering machine hooked up to a phone line. And leave a message for dad. I know tht is morbid, but I just want to leave him a message.

In the closet is the stuffed animal dog I was going to give him for christmas. It was a white siberian husky. I put a note in the box to instruct Shawn, who was going to give it to him for christmas, that if he needs help squeezing the hand, to please show him how. I recorded my voice in the store. It isn't that clear, but it says "Hey dad, thanks for the hug, I love you."

I'm supposed to be working on my application for the job here in Cincinnati. Applying for the job you already have is a bit confusing. Having to write out what qualifies you for it is some kind of meta-problem about who am I, and why am I already here.

I know I will do a great job as Foundations Coordinator. I believe in my heart that there is more to teaching students than just giving them techniques and basic skills in drawing. Maybe some of my assignments aren't that reflective of a foundations program. But I want them to make art, and I believe that they have to try to get closser to the complextiy of art making from day one! I am getting all the bad habits out of them in the first year, and the other faculty should thank me that the students already know what a trite piece is.
The show Maiza and I curated comes down this weekend. There is a plan to travel it over to Louisville. If that works out it would be great, but I am not resting my hope on anything like that for now. I have to get back in the studio, work on my art, and get over this emotional hump that is paralizing me from working on art. How do you give time and energy to being creative when you feel like any second, you might not have a job. I need to re-frame that notion and move past it.